A Time to Kill and a Time to Sigh
by Akedhi
Summary: Yet another PPC spin-off, in which the psycho Threnody and the more reasonable Jaster take on the Mary-Sue menace
1. Canopy through the trees

[Disclaimer: Lord of the Rings belongs to Tolkien; the PPC belongs to Jay and Acacia; Erika, Nathea, Latisha and Etienne belong to melamin venea, not that we would want them; and Threnody and Jaster belong to us.]

**[BEEEEEEEEEEEEP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!]**

"I'm coming, I'm coming," muttered the young man, rolling off of the couch.  Draped in blankets, he rubbed his morning stubble and shuffled to the console.  His heavy-laden eyes quickly glanced over the report of the newest Mary Sue and popped open with shock.  The information on the screen sent waves of numbness throughout his body and he had to brace himself on the control panel in fear of collapsing. 

Glancing around the room for his partner, he spied her perched, of all places, on top of the speaker in the corner.

"Thren—"

"What?" she asked, tumbling off and landing in a heap at his feet.  "Another Mary Sue?" Her eyes glazed over with a look that was all too familiar to Jaster.  A look of good-natured bloodlust. The contradiction in terms was almost the equal of any Mary Sue out there, but somehow Threnody pulled it off without making too many heads hurt.

"Oh yes…and I believe you shall have quite a lot of fun with killing this one," he sighed, plopping down in the control chair (one in which he frequently enjoyed rolling around the room), bringing up the information for their next mission.

Bloodthirsty eyes took one look at the screen and the room echoed with a shrill shriek of horror. "HOW DARE SHE!?"

Muttering imprecations related to the author's stupidity and the Rules forbidding the killing of the actual authors, she tapped in disguises, set the portal, and shoved Jaster (who whined something about that being his job) through without saying anything more comprehensible than "gonna _hurt_ them…"

After being shoved through the portal, Jaster found himself face first in the dirt of a rather large, and rather dark forest.  Trying to push himself up, he noticed his hands (and arms) were no longer recognizable as those of humans.  They were now long, hairy, and multi-jointed.  He let out a horrifying and monstrous shriek, discovering he was now a giant and not-so-cuddly arachnid.

"Threnody!"

"What?" she shrugged innocently, "It's Mirkwood." A car-sized spider shrugging is a very strange sight, one to which Jaster was now treated.

"But didn't the Sue start out in modern Earth?"

"I am _not_ going to have my face rubbed into any more angst than necessary. We will meet her in Mirkwood. And she is going to _die_ for making Legolas into a misogynistic bastard."

Hearing such things from his partner didn't faze him anymore as it once did (when they had first been assigned as partners, he had spend most of his time hiding in the corner).  He had (mostly) gotten used to her violent thirsts for blood since then. Sort of.  Doing his best to stand up on all eight legs, he reminded himself that this would take some getting used to.  Lifting one of his forelegs, he checked the CAD in search of their target. He wasn't sure quite how he managed that, since arachnid legs have no fingers, but he did manage it somehow.

"She's still in modern Earth at the moment. She should arrive in about five minutes, and get into a fight with Legolas, which she wins then she doesn't. I don't know how this stupid Sue figured out that stupid fight, but Erika, that's the Sue, gets captured by Sadist!Legolas, who later turns into Sweet!Legolas." Her ten eyes glazed over again. "Kill…"

Sighing, Jaster resumed his information checks in order to devise some sort of plan for when the group of misguided characters arrived (accompanied by the Sue herself).  "You know, I think you should get more sleep at night—it helps lower the intensity of your killing-spree moods."  Saying this would be vain, for he had said it many times over, but he said it anyway. 

"Sleep is for the weak." The giant spider that was Threnody pricked up her, well, they weren't precisely ears, but… "Sue's coming; hide, or she'll see us!"

Looking up at the swaying branches, Jaster let loose a large strand of webbing.  With spider-precision (mainly from reading many Marvel comics), he accomplished a perfect hit to one of the high limbs.  Swiftly he climbed up and beckoned Threnody to follow, but once again sighed to see her already at the top. 

Underneath them, a girl with ridiculously colored eyes (silver and green? What?) and chocolate brown hair ran into Evil!Legolas. A highly improbable fight ensued, in which the Sue entered their tree at one point, but soon was on the ground again, being bound by the blond elf in chocolate coloured clothing.

"Chocolate hair, chocolate leggings, chocolate clothing for Legolas…I am developing a need for a chocolate fix," remarked Threnody sarcastically.

"Oh, please, no.  I already emptied my wallet in buying you _last _week's fix!"  Jaster silently lamented over the wasted dreams he threw away in order to appease Threnody's threats.

 Glancing down he noticed the group were already moving on.  "Come on, they're on the move."  Swiftly he jumped to the tree ahead of them, and to the next, in pursuit of their prey. 

Threnody followed, muttering something along the lines of "how can she be trespassing if they haven't reached Mirkwood yet? And how did she get that sword away from her bloody _throat_? Moving should have killed her… Poor Legolas… he didn't get the chance to do us all a favor…"

Jaster did his best to keep the party in sight.  After a few hours of walking, Erika fainted from exhaustion.  He motioned Threnody to stop and they waited as Legolas hefted her onto his shoulders.  His could sense his partner's hair bristling and heard the mutterings of why he would even _help_ this poor excuse for a Sue.

"You don't replace a word with a letter in a story, nor do you use a numeral instead of spelling out a number, idiot Sue. Didn't you learn anything in English class? Commas are your friend. Good capitalization is your friend. Random capitalization of words is not. Don't want to let the cat out of the bag? That's a terrible pun. Puns are bad. Cute animal friends are bad. I am going to eat your kitten. Melody is a stupid name for a cat. It should be something better. Melody is a stupid mermaid/not mermaid who should have drowned. Bad Sue. Cats land on their feet and wouldn't break their back falling out of a tree. Stupid Sue. Terrible grammar, no commas, I am going to kill you very painfully…" Jaster ignored Threnody's ramblings.

They continued their tracking as the group continued, but not even a half hour later the elf prince grew tired from the girl's weight and set her down for a break.  This agitated even Jaster, who normally kept his emotions out of his job, but to alter the Elven physiology so disrespectfully pierced the wall holding back his passions of Middle-Earth.

"WHAT?!"

A flurry of birds squawked and flew off in different directions at the agent's bellow.  Jaster was on the verge of jumping from the tree and killing her then and there, but his shout startled even himself.  Putting his two forelegs across his mouth, he glanced apologetically at Threnody.

Looking down, the two saw the group looking around to see what the noise had been, drawing their weapons and ready to attack anything that came by.

Thinking quickly, Threnody whooshed in a high to low pitch "_WhaaAAAaaaatttt…._"  Nervously looking down, Jaster saw them shrug and Lieveryo (one of Legolas' Elvish grunts) suggest that it was the wind.  The Sue's influence having already taken effect, forcing them to be even more stupid than she herself, they bought it and put away their blades and bows.

Jaster sighed, but gave a startled (yet quiet) yipe as one of Threnody's legs smacked him over the head. "You're lucky the Sue is unconscious. You idiot. If they had seen us…we would be _dead_ spiders. Elves don't miss."

She smacked him again, for good measure.

Had the two agents not been invisible to canons, the two spiders sitting up in the tree above three elves eating a surprisingly canonical meal of fruit and bread would have been a very strange sight. Well, the bread was lembas, which was reserved for long journeys, but it was still rather refreshing. Until the Sue woke up, which was when Evil!Legolas suddenly decided that he had been too rough with her ("You can never be too rough with a Sue, foolish prince," Threnody contradicted quietly.) and began to care for her bruises sustained at his hand.

"Gah! He said that she wouldn't eat until she told him what she was doing there, now he's giving her food and medicine. Stupid Sue." No tagline is really necessary here, is it?

The elves, for some stupid reason unexplained by the Sue author, left their prisoner alone, after returning her Cute Animal Friend ™. Threnody was incoherent.

Jaster knew that Threnody was pondering the many ways she could kill the cat friend, but he tried to prevent himself from bringing it up.  He watched the horrid events unfold down below and through this, noticed that all of Erika's wounds were healed in quite a short time (even though Legolas _specifically_ told her it would take at least "2" days). 

"Hey Threnody, care to take a look at her underarm?"

It did not seem possible for Threnody's eyes to get any angrier. Nevertheless, they literally took on the red glow usually associated with a Balrog. Spiders the size of Jeeps are scary enough, but when their eyes are glowing red in fury, they are absolutely terrifying. Jaster backed away, slowly. A series of clicks and hisses streamed forth from her mandibles. Jaster didn't really want to know what she was saying, or, for that matter, what language she was saying it in, but his final analysis was not particularly pleasant.

When Legolas recaptured her, Threnody grumbled about the stupidity of the prince, due entirely to the Sue's influence, in leaving her alone, or, in fact, leaving her _alive._ When the Sue started singing Linkin Park, _she_ started to recite the Ainulindalë to herself, adding in her own commentary that generally digressed upon various topics, including, but not limited to, the various uses of curare, the scientific classification of Carcharoth, and her favorite colors.

After thirty minutes of torture, Legolas regressed to evilness, Threnody nearly had an apoplectic fit after the author used 'quick' where she should have used 'quickly' and the Sue fell asleep thinking about the '2' words, 'much' and 'worse'. Why they should be so all consuming, neither agent knew, or cared.

The Sue woke continuously through the night, still pondering the words 'much' and 'worse.' Of course, Threnody's furious ranting in the tree above her head probably added to Erika's insomnia.

In the morning, the Sue was awakened by one of the grunts, who weren't really distinguishable from one another, pulled to her feet, untied, then tied up again. The agents gave her an odd look, but only shook their heads. The Sue was so stupid, it had ceased to surprise them. And she had already given Threnody enough reason to kill her horribly.

Jaster awoke to the noise of the group.  Apparently, Erika was receiving a revelation that she was an elf (which she had not pondered before even with pointed ears and constant mocking from her peers—everyone), and she had a very hard time believing it.  Understandable.  But why kick a rock at someone who only _tried_ to say something witty to her. Tried. Let's be _very_ clear on that.

'4' hours of silence passed for the group on the ground. The spiders, however, weren't so quiet. In fact, Threnody ranted nonstop. 

"…boil them, mash them, stick 'em in a stew, and feed 'em to Barlog the Balrog."

Jaster raised one arachnid eyebrow, but did not reply.  Instead, his eyes wandered ahead and he gasped, "Great Eru in Heaven!!"  He nudged Threnody and pointed to a white, shimmering castle ahead of them.  "She didn't….did she?"

Threnody's eyes bulged. "That's it. I'm not waiting any longer; turning Mirkwood into a castle—oh. Damn. We can't kill her until the other three show up. I hate the Rules.  I am not going to submit myself to that idiot's idea of angst for the next several weeks." She pulled out the remote activator and hit a few buttons, portalling ahead to several weeks later, when Erika learned she was a 'nymph,' which conjured up some really, really disturbing images in the agents' minds, considering that Jaster had been a student of ancient mythology before being recruited, and he occasionally tried to calm Threnody with retelling of myths. And nymphs are _not_ exactly the most . . . modest of women in the myths . . .

They sat through a sickeningly sweet reunion between the Sue and her dead mother. They also watched the Sue meet the three other Sues through windows (well, one was a Sam, but it came to the same thing in the end), Threnody muttering angrily about the unlikelihood of a nymph of water _and_ earth. The Sue said the one clever thing that she had said through the story, calling the other Sue, Latisha, 'mud.'

When Erika took Legolas on a wild joyride a-dragonback, Jaster had to restrain Threnody from several murders before they were strictly allowed. Fortunately for her sanity, or what was left of it, morning arrived quickly, and with it, the four characters' time to die.

"A time to kill…" muttered Threnody irately as they arrived on the training field, which was next to 'Mirkwood castle.' The three 'nymphs,' one of which was male, and, due to his name, Etienne, rather French sounding, were standing on the training field with the "Elven wise-woman," Nathea.

_"Good. Now Erika, we were just about to work on using our element in conflict. Latisha and Etienne already know all this so you two go practice." She turned to the other nymphs. "This time please remember it is only a practice, not a war."_

_They both smiled evilly and walked off to find a clear space._

_Nathea sighed. "Those two." She looked at them warily then turned back to Erika._

"HOLD IT!" Two enormous spiders charged onto the training field, thoroughly startling the five figures, Nathea, Erika, Latisha, Etienne, and poor Legolas, who stood there staring, even more confused than he had been since the story began. The larger of the two spiders pointed a hairy limb at Erika, saying, "Erika, you are charged with being a Mary-Sue, mucking with the known backstory for Mirkwood by stating that it was guarded by four elemental nymphs (who never existed in Tolkien's canon, as you should know if you ever read the books), being unable to decide whether Legolas was a cruel sadist or a sweet pile of goo at your feet, making Thranduil stupider than you are, (quite a feat, I do assure you), being a nymph of bloody air, flying around, performing feats of arms that are quite impossible, (dearie, no one can kick a sword away from their throat when it is right there. Legolas should have killed you.), turning Mirkwood into a bloody _castle_, having _two_ Cute Animal Friends ™, one of which should never have been friendly (dragons were bloody evil in Tolkienverse), and really, really getting on my nerves. You have no rights and are forthwith sentenced to death. I don't really care if you have any last words or not." With that, it jumped forward onto the stunned nymph and bit down hard on her throat.

Spitting out the remains of the Sue, it turned to face the other three, "As for you, Latisha and Nathea, you are charged with being stupid, Latisha with being a Mary Sue, and for having ridiculous powers that are totally uncanonical, you too are sentenced to death. Jaster, if you would?"

Calmly, the other spider shrugged, then hissed at the terrified women.  Strands of webbing shot from him, hitting one and pinning her to the ground.  The other he jumped onto and coolly drained her of her life.  Then, dropping the corpse, Jaster crawled slowly to the other, who was doing her best to free herself.  He jabbed his two forelegs into her and knew that Threnody would have enjoyed the scream.  Somewhat satisfied he retracted his legs and walked up to his partner's side.

"Etienne, you don't have much of a charge list and weren't quite so annoying, so you can either join us or be favored with a merciful execution."

The black-haired 'nymph' looked terrified. "I guess you don't want to join us then." She served him as she had Erika.

Legolas had been watching this entire proceeding in stunned amazement, and now looked at the four corpses with disgust. "I loved…_that_?" He then proceeded to retch into the nearby bushes.

Threnody pulled out the neuralyzer and motioned to her partner to close his eyes. "Prince Legolas, you never saw us, or those four. You have been out hunting spi—deer, and are going home now." The blond prince nodded, glassy-eyed, and turned to walk away.

"Now, let's go kill the dragon."

The dragon proved ridiculously easy to deal with, and the assassins portalled way back in time, dumped the bodies into the chasm where Maedhros met his doom, and returned to HQ. Jaster, once through the portal, took several moments to look at his arms and legs, making sure that they were back to normal.

"Remind me not to let _you_ set the disguises ever again."

"What?"

[Threnody's A/N: As you might have guessed from the sudden shortening of the action (and the portalling ahead to almost kill-time), this fic was too painful to go through the whole thing. I was about ready to hunt down and kill the _author._ How dare she write elemental creatures into Middle-Earth!? still furious and in dire need of Bleepka.

Jaster's A/N:  I share in Threnody's pain and continue to lament over how one such as this particular author could have trashed Tolkien's good works.  Although, I somehow doubt that I would be so fanatic as to go and _kill_ the poor Suvian.  I may need some time to delete this story from my memory…]


	2. Eyes of a panther

[Disclaimer: LotR belongs to Tolkien, the PPC to Jay and Acacia, and 'you' belongs to "OrlandoBloomspersonalKitten." *groan* We really, really don't want 'you'. Threnody and Jaster still belong to us, though I think they might not be too pleased if they ever found out.]

Threnody was still silently grumbling about the sheer idiocy of the last fic when the call came in. Once again, she was on top of the speaker (her favorite place to sleep, since the sound was blasted out into the room and not upwards) and Jaster got to the console first.

"Um…" Why did he know that his partner really didn't want to see this one?

"Let me guess. Another Sue?"

"Yeah…"

"How bad is it?"

"Um…"

As Threnody hopped down, Jaster took one more glance at the screen and grimaced, "Just promise me you won't take it out on me…again…" 

Threnody stared at the console screen aghast. "Youlegolas hope you don't mind! anyway your an animorph and you walk into the villiage inn and there you meet the fellowship," she read aloud. "What the flaming Mordor!? ANIMORPH!?_ Animorphs_ is a stupid kid's series!"

This time Jaster managed to reach the keyboard ahead of her.  He _did not_ want to become a spider again.  Typing in the settings, place, and disguises for the two of them, he swiveled around in his chair, proclaiming he was finished and ready—just in time to duck random flying objects, which hit the wall instead.

"Elves," he said in response to her glare.

"Fine. Let's go get the 'you' from Makes-Things so you don't have to kill _me_."

She stalked out of the response center and up to Makes-Things' lab. The mild-mannered young man (actually, that was an understatement. For someone who spent a great deal of time dealing with psycho assassins, he was really, really timid. One would think that he would have been used to them by now.) cringed as the two agents entered his lab.

"I need a YCD. Now," growled the girl.

Makes-Things scurried over to a corner where a remarkable number of generic human shapes lay. He touched one of them and it promptly curled up into an easily portable size. He shoved it at the girl, who, despite the speed of his actions, was already tapping her foot impatiently, and motioned for them to go.  Jaster was not paying attention, however, and had his head down silently pitying her next victim.  While doing so he was grabbed by the arm violently and dragged out of the room.  Looking up to Makes-Things, he mouthed "Help me" as he was pulled through the door.

They were back in the response center in a very short time, as Threnody was by no means paying attention to where she was going.

Grumbling about the sheer stupidity of this Sue—really, a panther-animorph in the middle of a village, not a villiage, as the Sue called it, was ridiculous enough, _especially _when one took into account that the universe was Lord of the Rings—Threnody threw the You Crash Dummy through the portal and jumped after it into the middle of a peaceful forest. Well, it was peaceful until the Random Orcs decided to walk down the path and fight for no reason whatsoever.

You saw her standing there, totally furious, as the usual third or first person was suddenly replaced by second person. You could hear her muttering something about the utter insanity of people who read too many Choose Your Own Adventure stories and think they can write and how this was _definitely_ going on the charge list. But you, being a Sue as well as an automaton intended solely to act out the story without placing the agents in any danger, took no notice of her.

Then you waltzed down a village street that just randomly appeared, followed by two seriously annoyed Elves, which you didn't notice, being the idiot Sue that you were. One of them seemed to be holding the other back for some reason, insisting, "We can't kill her yet, Threnody. Just wait."

"Kill…" hissed the second Elf. You didn't know what they were talking about, so you went on your way.

Then you entered the inn that just happened to contain _most _of the Fellowship. Gandalf, Aragorn, and Boromir were notable (and lucky) in their absence. One of the hobbits, who was apparently frodo, not Frodo, interrupted you with a misspelled exclamation, wondering how you knew Gimli.

"Poor Gimli. Usually the Sues miss him," muttered one of the Elves that were still following you. You ignored them, since the only character in this story of any importance was the handsome blond prince in front of you. Gimli explained to the reduced Fellowship that you were his second cousin twice-removed by his sister, never mind that one's sister's children are one's _first_ cousins, and spoke in gibberish that vaguely resembled Elvish. But only if one didn't listen too hard.

There followed a brief, but highly painful dialogue as you and Legolas fell in love instantly, despite the fact that if you were the cousin of a dwarf, logically speaking, you would be a dwarf, and therefore would not be very attractive to an Elf. Since you were only a YCD with no name, there were several awkward pauses where the preteen author had left blanks for the reader to fill in your name.

Finally, one of the Elves behind you muttered something about "A time to kill…" and stopped everything.

"Mary Sue, also known as ________, you are charged with being a Mary Sue, deleting three members of the Fellowship, creating a random village, a random forest, and a totally uncanonical fairyland with a Princess Arilay, being an ANIMORPH in Lord of the Rings, making Legolas ridiculously stupid, inflicting yourself as a cousin on Gimli (what did he ever do to you?), interfering with the rest of the canon characters, speaking your own language that bears no resemblance to Elvish, be it Quenya _or_ Sindarin, creating Pantherian, and seriously annoying me. You are condemned to death and have no rights, but just for the sake of my curiosity, I'm going to let you have last words."

You stood there, dumbstruck. Last words? But, you're supposed to come back in a sequel and marry the hot elf prince… your train of thought was abruptly cut off as a rock whacked you on the head, sending you unconscious.

****

You woke up with a remarkably painful headache, and looked around. The place was dark and forbidding, and surprisingly undefined for Tolkienverse. A low, evil chuckle came from behind you.

"Welcome to the unpublished lair of Tevildo. Since you are so fond of cats, I thought you would enjoy meeting the granddaddy of them all." The Elf grinned mockingly, and her companion covered his face and pointed behind you. You turned slowly, and shrieked as an enormous black feline pounced.

Canon snapped back into place with a jolt, to find Threnody gently stroking the huge cat, murmuring things about "wassat a tasty Sue, huh? Does 'oo want Mommy Thrennie to bring you more tasty Sues? Yes, of course 'oo does. Just wait, precious. Mommy will be back with more Sues for her dearie to eat, yes she will."

Grimacing at what was left on the floor, Jaster's head perked up at her usage of a personal nickname.  "'Thrennie'?"

This was responded to by a smack across the back of the head. "Don't call me that."

She hit the buttons to return to the response center, darted through the portal before Tevildo had time to remember that he was supposed to be a monster, and resumed her place on top of the speaker.  Jaster wondered if she had gotten rid of all of her evil intentions for the day and glanced at her position.  Shaking his head once more he sighed heavily and plopped down into the control chair, opening up a MUD to play.

"Hey, Thrennie."

One of the books from Threnody's personal stash (which she kept on top of the speaker as well) made contact with his head.

"OW!"

Sweetly, she asked, "What?"

[Threnody's A/N: Isn't there some rule in the Pit of Voles that authors are supposed to be thirteen or older? Or do misremember the rules? This girlie says in her bio that she's twelve, so I left her a gentle, but thorough, CC. I still wanted to kill it. *evil grin* So I did.

(I love the obscure characters. Tevildo, if my memory serves, originally fought Huan instead of Sauron in werewolf form. Big, scary cat. I thought it rather poetic justice, since she was a panther, and all.)

Jaster's A/N: MUDs are fun…]


	3. Childish Games

[Disclaimer: Middle-Earth belongs to Tolkien; the PPC to Jay and Acacia; Nessawen, Tira, Uuranor, Nilmalu, Turanmegil, Aranedhel, and that thing she _dares_ to call Legolas belong to "ElvenPrincessofLegolas"; Threnody and Jaster belong to us.]

**[BEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!!!!!!!!**** REALLY, REALLY BEEEEEEEEP!!!!!!]**

Threnody smacked the speaker and jumped down to shut it off. She stopped and stared at the screen, keening loudly.

"Nononononononononono. Can't ruin Silmarillion like that. Can't _do_ that to history. Vanyar, Teleri, Noldor. That's all. Stupid Sue." She turned to Jaster. "I need Bleepka. Lots of Bleepka." And the psycho agent actually broke into tears.

Jaster noticed none of it, however.  Sitting with his laptop, and listening to his favorite scores with his Walkman, he didn't even hear the alarm sound nor Threnody's ranting. He did notice, however, the fist that snapped his laptop closed and the other hand that jerked the headphones off his head and threw them against the wall.

"Hey!"  He glared upward to his infuriated partner.

"Gear up. _Now._"

Not wanting to provoke the same kind of reaction he had received the _last time_ he had ignored Threnody's demands, he sighed, turned off his computer and stood up.  

"Where to?" he asked, looking at the screen.

"Rivendell. Elves, again, since that's where most of the action we will be forced to undergo takes place. She has an entire _family_ of nice and friendly little dragons," Threnody grumbled. She tapped in the disguises, set the portal, and stepped into … nothingness? "Oh, I _hate_ pointless prologues!"

Watching her storm through, he looked at his laptop one more time, wishing he could retreat to its kind shelter, and followed, weeping silently to himself all the while.

The Sue's voice overlaid their thoughts, explaining her horrible, horrible ideas of the Elves, mutilating the races, and generally annoying Threnody out of her mind.

_I do only as the Valar asks._

"What the!? There were _fourteen_ Valar. Valar is _plural!_" Threnody ranted.

Then the nothingness of the prologue resolved itself into a rather undefined hallway, down which fled the Sue, who was seven (equivalent to approximately two or three in _true_ elves, but in the Sue equivalent to seven), and the severely maligned Prince Legolas.

"Commas…" grumbled Threnody. "Sentence fragments are not good. Are not good," she added in imitation of the Suvian's writing patterns. Then she went off into another quiet rant when Thranduil was introduced as Lord Thranduil. Jaster wasn't paying a great deal of attention; his mind was still on the game Threnody had interrupted.

The agents sat through a seriously painful lecture on 'Lord' Thranduil's part, then followed the Sue and Legolas (poor abused princeling) to their 'lessons,' which apparently consisted of a random elf asking random questions like "Does anyone know the word for 'stupid'?" which, unfortunately, was not one of the questions. And Legolas seemed to have acquired nameless brothers.

Then there was a brief temporal distortion, after which the agents found themselves watching the Sue and her family heading home. Legolas, to much applause from Threnody, offered a giant black snake to the Sue.

"Cool is not a properly archaic term, idiot Sue. Now you have gone from no commas to too many. Legolas is not an idiotic brat. Thranduil is a KING, stupid Sue. Mirkwood palace is underground as a tribute to Menegroth. Don't you know anything? Didn't you even read your books? Oh, wait, of course you didn't. If you had, you wouldn't have written this utter crap. What in all Arda!?" Threnody's rant broke off abruptly as a Temporal/Space Distortion took them to the Sue's uncanonical homeland, where they were greeted by the sight of a large, white dragon and an impossibly tall silver castle. Threnody was actually speechless for once.  Jaster reveled in this brief moment.

The Sue's parents shared a sickeningly sweet reunion, then the Sue ran off to wash up so she could go visit her dragon friend.

Threnody stepped into the place of the unnamed maiden. "Princess Nessawen, slow down."

"Could you help me get dressed? My father said I can see Tira."

Threnody smiled wickedly and followed the Sue to her room, where she tied the laces of the Sue's dress absurdly tight, slipped pebbles into her shoes, and tangled her hair thoroughly. The Sue ran out to visit the dragon, and Threnody returned to Jaster with a smug smile on her face.

"How cruel.  I suppose you had fun then?"

"Oh, yes. And the Sue can't even do anything about it, because she has to go have a silly conversation with her silly dragon friend in 'the language of Man.' Not Westron, though. _English._"

Then Chapter Two started, apparently twenty-five years later. The Sue had acquired a brother, named Uuranor, and somehow, Legolas and Nessawen were both seventeen, despite having lived for thirty-two years each. The dragon had produced three more dragons, but those were smaller and thus would be easier to kill.

The Sue described herself, and both Threnody and Jaster gagged in horror. Ash gray hair and blue and gray eyes… Ick. Legolas was described as well, Movie-verse, naturally.

A foolish fight ensued, when Legolas hit the tree next to Nessawen ("Darn it. Another one Legolas almost gets to kill," muttered Threnody.) and she shrieked at him, then attempted to shoot. For once, the Sue didn't outshoot Legolas, but she did swear that someday she would. ("Wonderful," grumbled Threnody, "Now we get to hear her little psycho-feminist rant.")

Then the entire dragon and Sue families flew away to Rivendell because Nessawen's mother had been poisoned by a random jealous maid. Several years passed in quick succession, during which Arwen became friends with the Sue. Poor Arwen.

****

The Sue and Arwen were talking about Nessawen going to the council, which was apparently planned for the next week. Naturally, Elrond had granted permission. Then Arwen mentioned rescuing Frodo—

"Bloody scene-stealer. Bloody movie-going Sue. _There was a book first._"

Then Legolas appeared, riding in on his white horse. Nessawen didn't recognize him at first, but he called her by the nickname she had so hated ("Nessy makes her sound like the Loch Ness monster," snickered Threnody.) and she developed an instant crush on him and he on her.

Naturally.

"Let's portal ahead to the Council. Nothing important happens until then," Jaster suggested, eager to get back to the response center and his interrupted game.

"Fine with me. I don't care to drown in sap." Threnody hit the necessary buttons on the remote activator and they took a seat on the nice little balcony-thing where the Council took place. The Sue arrived, and, aside from glancing confusedly at Threnody, took her seat.

A near MST of the movie council followed, then the Sue had to jump to the defense of Aragorn, of all people, and precipitate the fight. The most annoying thing about it, Threnody decided, was that most of the lines were actually _right_. Surprisingly enough. And the Sue had to step in with her knives immediately after Legolas and his bow.

"Now we can kill her, yes?" Then Threnody glanced at the Words. "Oh, no… nononononononononononononono…" She rose and began to pound her head against the column that Merry had recently vacated.

"What?" asked Jaster, nonplussed.

"The (bang)_ bloody _(bang) Sue (bang) destroys (bang) the (bang) _bloody _(bang) _Ring!_"

Looking at the growing head wound Threnody was inflicting upon herself, Jaster winced then took a glance back toward the _ten_ companions.  Just now fully getting into the mission, his mind, partially thinking in the way a MUD gamer would, thought of an interesting death for the Sue.  Smiling, he turned to Threnody.

Moving over to the column, he bent over and whispered his plan into her ear.  A sadistic smile crept over her face, which was a very creepy effect amid the blood flowing down her forehead, and she portalled them ahead to Mount Doom.

****

"Hurry, Tira!"

Threnody waited until Legolas rescued the Sue, and began to cry out "Help! Help!"

The Sue's dragon, being a sweet thing, dove and rescued the two elves who were inexplicably stranded on the side of Mount Doom.

"Thank you," Threnody said graciously as she opened an enormous portal into darkness, through which the dragons and their respective burdens flew. "A time to kill…"

"Where are we?" asked the confused Legolas.

"Do not worry, my lord. It will all make sense in time." Threnody turned to the Sue, "Nessawen, you are charged with being a Mary Sue, creating Sinderforest, creating the Sinder Elves (They were called the Sindar), believing that the people of Rivendell, Mirkwood, and Lothlorien were all separate races, making Legolas a bratty idiot, being the Princess of the "first elves ever created", being dead and being able to tell a story, disgracing the Valar, calling King Thranduil a 'Lord', altering the known rate that Elves age, calling Legolas a dumb Orc, making Legolas say incorrect things just so you could correct him, making up stupid lessons (asking if they knew the words for 'arrow' and 'snow?'), giving yourself the same nickname as the Loch Ness Monster, using the word 'cool', creating a nice dragon named Tira, having a terribly described home and a silver castle that reaches the sky, naming your father Noldodan (NOLDODAN? You do NOT insult the Feanorians so!) Thinking that the language of Men was English (WESTRON! WESTRON, You STUPID Sue! NOT ENGLISH!) random tense switches, giving Tira a nice dragon family, having an improbable combination of ash gray hair and blue and green eyes, being unforgivably vain, 'sowing' a blanket, making Lord Elrond into some kind of medicine man, having a tragic (and cliched) past, mangling the English language, being friends with Arwen, cruelty to the common comma (there ARE none), using incorrect MOVIE VERSE, hating Legolas then falling in love with him then hating him again after you died, scoring a 114 on the Litmus Test by chapter FIVE out of THIRTY-FOUR, and destroying the _ONE RING! _You are sentenced to sudden, instant, and even immediate death. And here comes Ancalagon the Black to deal with you now." Threnody grabbed the stunned prince and her partner, and portalled out of there.

The agents neuralyzed the stunned prince, leaving him in his home forest, and portalled to Sinderforest, which they burned to the ground, temporarily usurping one of the offices of the DOGA, but the crackling flames were therapeutic. Then they returned to the response center.

"Oh, by the way, Jaster. My cousin will be here soon so you'll have to exert yourself to be interesting."

"What?"

[Threnody's A/N: This Sue was really, really bad. Her formatting was terrible, her grammar painful, and her plot absolutely indescribable. But we got to use another Silm monster! *evil grin* And don't worry. Lil' Tevildo will probably make another appearance someday.

Jaster's A/N: Now…where's my laptop?  More MUD time…*grins in glee*]


	4. I Will Be Waiting for Your Return

[Disclaimer: Middle Earth belongs to Tolkien, He Who Rules; the PPC belongs to Jay and Acacia; Honesah belongs to . . . Honesah, of all people; Threnody and Harmony belong to me (Akedhi); and Jaster belongs to himself. When I let him.]

"It's time get up," said a small voice beside Jaster's ear. He moaned and rolled over, as sleep was all too rare a commodity among PPC agents. The voice, however, was attached to a very small but very determined body, which deposited itself firmly on his chest and proceeded to bounce up and down. "It's time get _up!_ It's morning."

Jaster cracked one eye open, which turned out to be a mistake. "You're awake! Get up!" He closed the eye again, which was a bigger mistake. The bouncing evolved into jumping and small hands started smacking his face. He rolled over again and landed on the floor.  Wrapped in his jacket, he slid it over his head to keep the light from hitting his eyes.  Mumbling incoherently to no one in particular, he did his best to go back to sleep.  Unfortunately for him the unnaturally hyperactive being did a dive bomb from the couch onto his chest.  The impact of the contact not only created several popping noises Jaster was not familiar with having, but also pushed the air from his lungs.

"_GET UP!!_"

Painfully sucking in breath the agent shouted, "_OKAY!!_"  Pulling the jacket off of his tired-looking face he glared at the human alarm that menaced him awake, he realized that he had just shouted at a rather small girl--a child, even.  Her eyes that were once filled with excitement now were filled with swelling tears and she began to sniffle.  Jaster realized that he had just frightened the girl.  _Oh no…_he thought to himself.

If he had thought that her shouts were loud before, the high pitched scream that emitted from her miniscule mouth made them seem like whispers.  Covering his ears and letting out a very deep sigh, he waited for a smack from his partner.

It came.

"Interesting," Threnody informed him, "Does not necessarily mean _frightening._" She turned to the little girl and held out her arms. "C'mere, Harmony." The little girl took a flying leap and landed in the psycho's lap. Threnody grunted, but smiled. She turned a less pleasant expression on Jaster, in which there was a clear message that he had better not frighten the little girl again. "Meet Harmony, my cousin. Be nice."

His groggy eyes stared at the two, one psycho atop another.  "Cousin…," he said slowly, "You failed to mention that your cousin was a _child_."

Threnody looked nonplussed. "Your point being…?"

"My point being that I could have at least prepared for this morning's torture…," he paused, still taken aback by the insane duo before him.  He did his best to wrench a smile onto his face, "And how long will our little guest be staying, hmm?"

Threnody shrugged. "Um… Forever?" she offered.

There was a long pause as Jaster's now horrified features sank into a passive state.  No emotion slipped into his voice as he spoke, "Forever, is it?  My, my…how much funwe are going to have."  He slowly stood, still wrapped in his jacket, and made his way toward the door.

"Where are you going?" asked Threnody.

"To see if there's anything left of my pride."  With that he shut the door behind him.

Threnody looked at Harmony. "Stay here." She opened the door and took a quick glance to either side. She spotted Jaster's rapidly retreating back and started after him. "Jaster!"

**[BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!!!!!!]******

Fortunately, Threnody had not bothered to close the door, and both agents could hear the noise. Threnody swore. "Come on, Jaster. We have a Sue to slay…"

At the sound of the alarm, Jaster stopped his escape and remained still, head hunched into his chest.  He could hear Threnody's shouts, but made no move to answer them.  A moment passed and the alarm sounded again.  He looked up at the ceiling and prayed silently to keep whatever sanity he had left.  Then, with a long and drawn out sigh, he turned toward his partner with a broad smile on his face, "Yes, let's _kill_."

They entered the response center just in time to see Harmony entering a portal. "Oh, _NO!_" Without thinking, Threnody dove through the narrowing portal, landing on the other side with a grunt. She sat up—or rather, attempted to. There was something wrong with her body. It wasn't working like it was supposed to. Then a large wolf appeared out of thin air, holding two packs in his heavy jaws.

Threnody looked around, and spotted a tiny wolf-pup gnawing at a stick. This was worse than the spiders had been, for at least _those_ could speak Westron. Surely wolves could communicate somehow, but Threnody had no idea how. And she had no idea where in the story they were, where in Middle-Earth they were, or even _when_ they were. They could be in the Silmarillion, for all they knew. The pup wagged its tail. Threnody would have groaned, but that is no something for which the vocal cords of a wolf were designed.

The other large wolf looked at Threnody, then down at itself.  Its ears perked in surprise and its tail stiffened.  Then, with a deep rumble from its chest, the wolf let out a heavy sigh.  It was confirmed that this was indeed Jaster. 

'_Play now?'_  No one actually _spoke_ the words, but they were somehow clearly understood. It was as clear that Harmony was the one to speak. The wolf that was Threnody shook her head, a surprisingly human gesture from so large a canine.

_'Play?'_ growled Jaster, '_You want us to _play_?'  _Had his boiling blood been any hotter, it surely would have made him spontaneously combust.  The fur on his back stood on end and he did his best not to turn his snarl at the pup into a bite.  _'Don't you even realize what you've _done_?'_

_'No, we can't play,'_ Threnody added, shooting a murderous glare at Jaster. _'We have to find a…' _She checked the Words, and continued, _'A Pegacorn. With gold and sapphire hair. Jaster, get the packs. I'll take my cousin.'_ The transformation in her was astonishing. Normally, she would be foaming at the mouth at this point (A _Pegacorn_. Honestly.) and Jaster would have to hold her back, but now, she had a small cousin to deal with. And this cousin took priority.

_'Awww…and just as Harmony and I were about to become _good_ friends…'  _Jaster was about to continue his frothing rant but was cut short by a whap from Threnody's tail.

_'Not funny. It was one thing to be a spider, when I knew where I was going, but I want to get _out_ of this form as soon as possible. Jaster, can you manage the CAD?'_

He gave her a very annoyed stare, _'It depends…can I manage your oh-so-lovable cousin?'_

_'Remind me to kill you when this mission is over…'_ Threnody shook her head and pawed, literally, at the packs, trying to figure out just what it was that dogs and other four-legged creatures did when they managed to open luggage.

_'Play!'_ squealed Harmony, jumping onto the pack and tussling with it. It opened, though not precisely in the manner Threnody had intended, tearing at one of the seams. That would do well enough, decided Threnody as she nosed among the oddments that had fallen out. _'A spare crossbow, right, like we're going to need _that_…'_

_'Oh! Oh! I know!  Let's be sure to hold onto the crossbow for later on.  I'm sure Harmony would love to play with that.  I'll even help load it for her…as long as it's facing the right way,'  muttered_ Jaster, indicating with his nose toward the pup, who was still nosing around in the pack. Threnody shot him a Look, but didn't say anything.

With a bark of triumph, she pulled out the CAD, trying not to leave any teeth marks on it. That would probably be a new one for Makes-Things, to have to fix a CAD because it had been used as a chew-toy by a Warg… She managed to push the right buttons, by poking at it with her nose.

_'So, we're in Mirkwood. Again. Why don't the Sues ever get tired of this place?' _Threnody did not expect to be given an answer, not then and not ever. It was one of those questions that would remain a mystery throughout the ages, she supposed, like "Why does mercury flow uphill?" or "Why _did_ the chicken cross the road?" or "Why does cookie dough taste so good before it's baked?" or "What_ is_ the Ultimate Question?"

Threnody glanced at the Words again, and wished she hadn't. The grammar was physically painful, and, she discovered, with the keen nose of a Warg, there was actually a distinct scent to such things as improper grammar and punctuation. As if she wasn't already nauseous…

_'What the Mordor is a Memory Leaf?'_ Threnody managed to radiate indignation and near-hysteric rage without doing anything but raising her hackles and lifting a lip. It was amazing how a wolf's body could be so much more expressive than a human's, rendering unnecessary all the arm-waving and pacing Threnody usually indulged in.

_'And what in blazes is a HOOnonee?' _Jaster asked with a gasp. He looked to his paws, squinting in thought.  Then, with a mild expression of surprise, he looked back up to Threnody, _'Hoononee?  As in…Hoononee Num Nums ™?'_

_'How come she's neckless, Threndy?'_ asked a small voice.

_'Because she's a Mary Sue, Harmony.__ They're born like that.'_

_'Oh. Dumb Mar-Soo.'_

Threnody smiled at Harmony's innocence, wondering if she will be able to corrupt her into her likeness.  She then looked over to Jaster, who was pacing and staring off into space, repeatedly muttering to himself '_Num Nums?'_

_'Jaster, see what you can do with the portal thingy. I don't think we need to sit through the "Kingdom healer" dosing Honesah with something that looks like squashed green olives complete with pimentos. Nor do we want to sit through the angst-fest. Portal ahead to chapter three.'_

_'Yes ma'am.' _ They shot ahead to chapter three, all the while Jaster wished for the delectable taste of a Num Num, for they were sweet with suvian flavor and full of wholesome goodness.

_'And we missed the author's notes. Which repeat four times that the Sue is not a Sue. Dumb chit. You'd think that she'd take a hint after so many people tried to explain that she was. Oi. And half of them weren't even too mean about it. Granted, the other half were ridiculously nasty, but still.' _It is almost as strange a sight to see a Warg shrug as it is to see a giant spider shrug, but not quite. And Jaster was still muttering about Num Nums and not paying any attention anyway.

The agents watched as the Prince of Mirkwood went searching for his missing Pegacorn friend, highly confused as to why he bothered. She was supposed to get well and go home, yes? Well, apparently there was some unresolved issues that needed taking care of. For instance, there was the fact that there was some sort of hitherto undisclosed history. It seemed that Honesah had lived among the Elves, teased and tormented because she had a tail. Legolas, gentleman prince that he was, had been her defender. Even Threnody had to admit that such protection was in his character, though the tormenting was something that most Elves surely would not have indulged in.

_'How did Legolas not recognize her?'_ wondered Threnody. _'It's not as if that blue and gold hair would be easily forgettable…'_

_'Blue?  Blue filling in Num Nums…'_

_'Shut up, Jaster.'_

Then something strange happened. The two, Elf and … thing … began confessing their undying love for each other. Or perhaps it was not so undying, since Honesah, upon declaring that she had loved Legolas for many years, fell down and almost saved the agents the trouble of killing her. As if this was not implausible enough, Legolas used a lock of Honesah's hair and some random rock that Gimli had apparently given him to talk to Gimli as if with a webcam. The Dwarf then proceeded to lecture his Elven friend about the physiological properties of Pegacorns. It was also revealed that by some mysterious process, Honesah was pregnant. 'Baring' a child, as it was phrased.

_'What!?__ How in Arda did _that_ happen?'_

Jaster, looking off into his own world for quite some time, was finally listening to the goings-on of the story, _'Beats the Num Nums outta me…'_

_'Shut up, Jaster.'_ A whap with her tail. Mighty useful things, tails… Threnody shook her head, bringing herself back to the present. _'They didn't even hug each other until about two minutes ago. What is she, the Virgin Mary or something?'_

Then something even stranger happened. Honesah was not only pregnant, but in labor. Only it was apparently painless, quiet, and clean labor. Which, to Threnody's mind, was _not_ at all fair to the rest of women who were not lucky enough to be Sues…

_'It's a girl. A Sue Elven/Pegasus (not that that's a species anyway)/Unicorn crossbreed. Eru help us all…'_

_'It looks funny,'_ commented Harmony curiously. _'It's got a horsey head an' a horsey tail an' ears like that pretty man. An' I think it's ugly, 'cause horseys and people aren't supposed to do that. Also it has a spike on its head. That's silly.'_

_'Out of the mouths of babes… Jaster, let's kill the Sue and her annoying child before the—' _she checked the Words _'—Crimps show up. What the heck is a Crimp? It sounds like some kind of weird doughnut…'_

As much as the palace of Mirkwood had been altered, the sight of three wolves walking through its halls was not remarked upon by anyone other than Galion, who muttered something about "Too much wine again…"

_'Honesah Hoononee—'_ Threnody paused as Jaster went off staring into space again. She rolled her eyes, and continued. _'Anyway, whatever you want to call yourself, you are charged with –'_

_'NUM NUMS!' _Jaster cried after a long delay.

_'Shut _UP_, Jaster! You are charged with being a Mary Sue, being a creature that did not and could not exist in ANY mythology (Pegasus was the name of a single creature, not a species), having ridiculous powers, including telepathy, telekinesis, teleportation, shapeshifting, and apparently the ability to be pregnant, carry to term, and deliver a child mature enough to eat an apple, all within thirty seconds. Also, making Legolas and Gimli out of character—'_

She was interrupted again, this time by Harmony. _'Being UGLY!'_

_'Whatever. Creating a new species of dragons called Crimps (If only we hadn't fed the last Sue to Ancalagon), giving Dwarves abilities that were never theirs (that long-distance communication thing is _so_ a rip-off of the Palantiri), annoying the crap out of me—'_

_'HOONONEE!'___

_'Oh yes, and, according to my deranged partner here, having a really funky middle name. We thank you for your time and intend to kill you now. I'm not interested in your last words, since they would probably be really melodramatic and sentimental mush. Have a nice last few seconds of life.'_ She turned to Jaster. _'Quick, Jaster, she has Num Nums!'_

_'Blue filling!?'_ With that, the agent/wolf leapt upon the stunned Pegacorn, and tore her to pieces. He looked at Threnody with a pout. _'No Num Nums…'_

_'I'll figure something out,'_ promised Threnody. _'A trip to the Department of Fictional Psychology should do the trick…'_

She turned to deal with the infant, but Harmony had beaten her to it. Even a magical, Elf/Pegasus/Unicorn crossbreed infant is not immune to falling off of a bed, being rolled around by a rambunctious wolf-pup, slamming into several walls, and tumbling down a stone staircase… The remains were not very pretty, in which they matched the remains of her mother very well.

The bodies, or what was left of them anyway, made wonderful fertilizer for the forest. As spider droppings. Eugh. Let's not go any farther in that direction.

The agents portalled back to the response center, where four-year-old Harmony promptly claimed the corner, curling up like a cat and going to sleep, and Threnody put in a discreet call to Dr. Freedenberg. After receiving assurances that he would be fine if he rested a bit (as if that would ever happen, but what can you do?), she climbed back up to the top of the speaker, being careful not to get too comfortable, and began rereading her copy of the Lays of Beleriand.

"Do you have any Num Nums, Thrennie?"

She threw the book at him.

"What?"

[Threnody's A/N: All right, it's implausible for a four-year-old to end up in PPC Headquarters, but my little sister made me promise to put her in here somehow. Harmony is the result of that promise, and she is going to be playing with the disguises quite often, methinks. And yes, said sister does act like that.

Jaster's A/N: Num Nums…

Threnody's OTHER A/N: Oh, brother…]


End file.
